I’ve heard many messages as a woman in society about who I should be, but none has been as loud or effected me more deeply than the message that I’m meant to be cared for by a man.
As a child, I learned that a man’s job is to care for his household. I was taught his identity was in his work and his ability to provide for his family. This was reinforced by all my friends who had stay at home moms. When my dad went through significant unemployment, it never occurred to me that maybe my mom could get a full time job to provide for us. It was the man’s job to provide. Not the woman’s.
By the time I was a teenager, the dating discussions began in church and in school. Being the avid reader I am, I decided to buy Christian dating books to learn more about healthy dating. In these books I learned that my desire for a man should always be hidden. Men were wired to hunt and pursue me based on their biology. I was prey, and a man would only ever want me if I acted like it.
So I listened.
I listened and I did my best to comply because I wanted to be loved. I wanted my emotional needs to be cared for. I didn’t want to be alone. But there was one glaring problem that kept surfacing for me no matter how hard I tried to be prey – I’m simply not wired that way!
I’ve never been wired to be passive. I’m wild and brave and free. I’m a risk taker. I’m bold. I speak my mind and take the lead. Any other version of me is a version who was crafted and molded by a society who couldn’t handle all she is.
But I don’t want to be crafted and molded into something smaller than the truest, most wild version of me. That’s not who I am. I am wild. I am beautiful in my wildness. My wild is what makes me who I am.
Who I am is smart and strong. I am an initiator. I am decisive. I don’t wait for life to happen to me. I make life happen.
I don’t want to be with a man who can’t handle my wild. I want a man who loves and embraces my wild. Because my beautiful, loud, bold, strong self deserves to be celebrated.
I’m not looking for a man to take care of me. I’ve never wanted that. I’m looking for a true partner who will come alongside me in shaping a life that is full of adventure. I want a man who lets me take the lead at least half the time because I am a leader. I’m not looking to be provided for. I’m looking to provide for each other. I’m looking for my equal, not my superior. I’m looking for someone who wants me, not someone I need to survive.
I wish it would go without saying, but these messages are harmful to men too. No one should be finding their identity in their job or their ability to provide for their family. That is toxic. That deeply hurts people and contributes to mental illness.
Jobs do not equal worth.
Also, expecting a man to make the first move every time is asking a lot. Expecting a man to provide is a lot of pressure. If a man doesn’t fall into these categories, he might struggle with his identity too.
Our worth as humans comes from the fact that we exist. Our identities come from who we are, not what we do or how much money we make. Any other message is a poison seeping into the fabric of who we are. It’s bleeding us dry.
This is simply touching the surface of the damage society has done to heterosexual relationships. This doesn’t begin to touch the pain that people in the LGBTQIA+ community endure. I’m not speaking on their pain because it’s not my story to tell. But I know that it runs deep. And if this is my story as a straight, white, thin, blonde woman, I can’t imagine the pain others are experiencing.
Before we tattoo “shoulds” on the hearts of the next generation, maybe what we should do is discover who we are. There is space in the human race for us in all our wild beauty. We can be whoever we want to be and we can have whatever we want to have.
Let’s stop telling women to be small and passive. That narrative damages those of us who don’t fit that box. Let’s stop telling men they’re hunters and that they must provide. That narrative damages the men who don’t identify that way.
Let’s encourage everyone to be who they innately are. Let’s live unleashed.
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