You have made it to the conclusion of my grad school story! Thank you for joining me on this journey and taking the time to hear what happened during those 2 years. I appreciate you more than you know ?
If you’re just now jumping in, go back and read the previous 4 posts so you know what’s going on ?
My final semester of grad school was when I completed my thesis, had supervised teaching, and ultimately (spoiler) got my degree.
At the beginning of that final semester, I took copious notes about the requirements for my supervised teaching. Specifically, what repertoire I was allowed to assign to my students. Being a primarily musical theatre teacher, I wanted to ensure that I was meeting the requirements while also serving my students and their goals. I worked hard to stay within those guidelines, and took very detailed notes about the requirements for my degree. I got a classical degree, but I teach musical theater, and this has always been the case. It’s truly what I teach best.
According to the university’s standards, I was allowed to assign pre-1970s musical theatre songs to my students. So I did! I had an even mix of Golden Age musical theatre and classical repertoire assigned to my 10 supervised teaching students. Right before fall break my professor told me that if more than 2-3 of my students sang musical theatre on the required masterclass, I wouldn’t pass.
This requirement was nowhere in the syllabus or in any notes or recordings I took in class. In fact, there was nothing about repertoire anywhere in the syllabus or even the fact that we had to teach classical lessons (though we all were very aware of that requirement). I felt as though my degree was being threatened based on an undocumented technicality that I didn’t even break. Needless to say, I panicked.
We were also trying to schedule this required masterclass, and after I spent 6 weeks diligently finding my students’ availability and weighing it against what she told me, her availability changed and suddenly my times didn’t work. It was a mess.
I sent a very direct email documenting my repertoire choices, what was in the syllabus, and requesting a 1-day extension on the masterclass deadline so that the performance date would work for my students. My extension was denied, but my rep choices were approved. I copied my advisor on the email as well.
Apparently my teacher was mad that I was direct with her because she blind copied my major mentor on her response to me and asked my advisor to schedule a meeting to talk with me about the “tone of my email”…the email I spent 4 hours writing with my parents carefully choosing every word. I guess she’s allowed to be direct with people, but it’s somehow wrong to be direct with her ??♀️
This was all eventually resolved, but not without great amounts of unnecessary stress and tears on my part.
My advisor met with me and informed me that I did nothing wrong, but we were meeting because it was requested. I told her about all the things that had been going on, and was basically informed that my teacher picks a student each year that she seems to develop some sort emotional attachment towards. When that person acts outside of the small box she thinks is appropriate, all hell breaks loose. And for some reason, she chose me. My advisor suggested I “play nice” to keep the peace until I finished the semester. She couldn’t prevent me from graduating.
This was comforting, but I really don’t want to live my life “playing nice.” I want to be myself and speak up when I’m mistreated. Bullies get angry when you stand up to them because their power is being threatened. I don’t want to spend my life giving into bullies. I don’t want to spend my life as the version of myself that someone else wants me to be. I refuse to be put into a box.
The good news is, I survived. I got through the rest of the semester, passed my exams, graduated, and left my teacher a scathing course evaluation detailing how horribly I was treated. She did not make eye contact with me at graduation.
Here’s the thing, I respect her as a professional. She’s very knowledgeable and I learned a lot from her. She has a lot of good qualities and is not a bad person. But there are many issues with the way she treated me throughout my time with her. I know I’m not the first person who has experienced something like this, and I sadly won’t be the last. But I hope my story inspires you to stand up to authority and defend yourself because you are worth it. I hope my story inspires you not to give in and to keep chasing the light that’s inside you. You owe it to yourself and to the world. Don’t let anyone silence your voice.
But I am not fully innocent in this story and I know it. I let me trauma control me and that led to problems in other relationships I had including my thesis committee. And I am not proud of that, but I have made amends for it at this point.
Honestly, I’m still working through a lot of trauma. I can’t sing classical music right now because the wounds are still too raw. I actually am struggling to talk about what I learned writing my thesis. I was supposed to release a course earlier this year teaching voice teachers about fitness and singing, but writing the content was honestly triggering. I can’t reread my vocal ped books right now even though I love going through them.
I’m not going to tell you I’m “all better” now because that wouldn’t be true. I’m on a massive healing journey, but I’m far better than where I was.
I’m thankful for grad school. I’m thankful for everything I learned. I’m thankful for every trial that taught me what I believe. I’m thankful that I never sacrificed my life on the altar of academia. I want no part of it. I’m thankful that I retained my power.
The biggest lesson I can share with you is to own your authority and power no matter who tells you that you don’t have the right to. It’s also ok to not be ok.
Thank you for listening to my story. I hope this inspired you. I hope you never hand over your power to anyone else. Be you. Stand up for yourself. You’re worth it.
I love you, and I’m glad to have you on this healing journey with me ?
Itís nearly impossible to find well-informed people for this subject, however, you seem like you know what youíre talking about! Thanks